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A newly married couple on their honeymoon night was trying to set up new password of their facebook account. The husband typed “MYpenis” and the wife was ROFL because on the screen it says, “Error. Not Long Enough.”
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Mam catches jimmy copying:
Mam: leave your answer sheet and get out right now! I wouldn’t consider anything you say
Jimmy: Nice Boobs Mam
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Phone Rings Late Night:
Hubby- Honey if anyone asks about me, then say I am not at home
Wife picked and said: He is at home
Hubby shouted: WTF… are u insane!!
Wife: Shut up! It was for me.
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Jimmy brings his cat with him at schoon, principal asked- why is your cat at school today?
Jimmy started crying and said- because I heard my dad tell mah mother, ‘ I’m gonna eat da pussy once our son leave for school today!
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!
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A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
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Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
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An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
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Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees
A: Boo-bees
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A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."
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Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!
A: “Thanks for coming!
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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
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"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
A: Ask your mother.
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
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Me goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks. "No," I said , "she's not that ugly."
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Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.
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What did the left p*ssy lip say to the right p*ssy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that d*ck come between us."
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What do a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common? They both smell it but they can't eat it.
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How do you know Barbie is not a slut? Because her legs don't open.
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I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day and she kept yelling some other guy's name. Who the heck is Rape?
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Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: "Cover me. I'm going in."
A: "Cover me. I'm going in."
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Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"
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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
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